Persuasive Writing - Why We Should Fix Our Field

We have been having a go at writing a piece of persuasive writing. Here is my piece of writing why we should fix our field. 

Title A Short Statement about the topic. eg. ‘Rugby League Is A Great hākinakina (sport))’	Fix Our Field
Overview/ Statement of position A brief statement of your view about the topic.  What you believe or want to argue.	I strongly believe that we need fix our whira (field) NOW! My reasons are that the whira (field) is constantly muddy, the court and playground are getting too crowded, without the whira (field) we can’t train for hākinakina (sporting) events and we can’t hold special events. These are the reasons our whira (field) needs to be fixed NOW!
Series of Arguments Reasons Your points supporting your view about the topic.  Your arguments to support your statement and information to support these arguments. Remember -argument -supporting detail, reasons, examples	Firstly, we need to fix the whira (field) because the whira (field) is constantly muddy. When the whira (field) is muddy no one can go on it and if you do your shoe gets stuck!  There are also a lot of mud holes so you have to watch where you step. For example,  when you are having a running race you sometimes will trip up.
	Secondly, the court and the playground are  getting far too crowded! Everyone is crowded in the playground and on the court. For example,   people are getting injuries from falling over on the concrete and getting hit with P.E equipment.
	Thirdly, without a whira (field) we can’t train for hākinakina  (sports) events! No one can train for hākinakina (sport) events such as: cross country, soccer, rugby and more. At karoro wharekura (school) we like hākinakina (sport)s and we have to go somewhere else to train. For example,  the rippa rugby team has to train on the court instead of the whira (field)!
	Finally, we can’t hold special events. Now we can’t hold the gala, have a hangi or have a family fun night! The gala helps us fundraise money for the wharekura (school).  Now there won’t be as much money for shows, busses and other things.
Concluding statement Summing it up.  A summary of your arguments and your view on the topic.	In conclusion we need to fix our whira (field) because the whira (field) is too muddy, the playground and court is too crowded, we can’t train for hākinakina (sports) events and we can’t hold special events. It is important  to have a good whira (field) at wharekura (school)!   BY SASHA.